The Unfulfilled Dream

As a teenager, like most others, I had a dream, a dream that went through the process of destruction, that resultedin destroying self confidence, morale, outlook and made me look inward. I grew up into a man as a result of the failure of that dream. Years passed by, I am a grown man now, in a career that I wanted to be in. I had to crosshurdles, take risks to achieve that. In the process, I distanced myself from the dream and grew into a new personwho seperated himself from the past. Like many others do, fear of the failure and the subsequent failure did resultin a loss of confidence, depression.
After several years, I now look back to see that dream again. However, as an outsider I am no longer afraid of it.I have crossed several hurdles and mentally stronger to live through the trauma of failure. A few months back Ialso got to experience a flavor of what it would be to live that dream, although it was shortlived. Sweet memories,but shortlived. I continue to ponder over the steps I need to take the realize that dream or walk away with justthe memories.
"Everything that happens, happens for the good" - says the Bhagwat Gita. I believe in god, I believe in destiny andI believe in Karma. The path however lies before me and it is me who has to walk through it to live my dream. I haveseveral other dreams, which I have lived through and which I have preferred to remain just a dream, but there willalways be that special dream.
I have several paths to take to realize the ultimate truth, but I know that what ever path I take the end result isgoing to be the same - A simple equation with constants and variable, but a known solution - Numerous possibilitiesfor the variables, but only one solution. Moving the constant to the left, the right hand side is always equal to zero. It has taken several years for me to realize such a simple thing, but I am still unsure of the dream thathas continued to elude me. I even thought it might just be a hallucination, a result of achieving a high in life.
Every problem has a simple solution to it, but we have made it a habit of complicating things. Man could have stoppedwith inventing the zero, but he also went on to discover first, second, third...n degree equations, all because he needed a challenge. The result of it is several unbalanced equations that have been tied into the complexities of the world, all trying to balance themselves, creating more complex situations.
I believe dreams are like that - you have the choice of keeping it a simple zero - making it the absolute truth orliving through several dreams and realities to complicate things and still ending up with a simple zero. I know thatfor every step I take to move forward closer to the dream I have always wanted to live, I take two steps backward. I am going through a rigorous process of trying to be mentally tougher, draw courage from other inspiring stories,comebacks to give myself ammunition to achieve the dream.

"Asato Ma Sad Gamaya, Tamaso Ma Jyotir Gamaya, Mrityor Ma Amritam Gamaya, Om Shanti Shanti Shanti"

Algebraic Paradox

It has been over a month since I my last post and things have not changed much considering the fact that change is a universal constant. As I sit back and reflect on the changes that have taken place and my movement forward in life, I realize that I am farther away from the absolute than I was a month back. It is just one of those phases when you tend to run from something and realize that you have been pushed closer to the truth.
As I worked harder to bring my average shot per hole from "Par + 3" to around "Par + 1.5", I also realized that I had lost focus in several other things. Working hard on my golfing skills, I seem to have more internal conflicts than external. The questionsthat rise are becoming more inward directed than outward. The self realization process seems to picked up quite a bit of steam. Pondering over those moments of innocence and childishness, I feel lost - completely lost amongst the millions who wake up everyday to follow the routine that has been imposed upon by themselves without meaning or purpose.
Making tough decisions is an everyday aspect of human life and I have not been an exception to it. That last month has beenquite a challenging period in the evolution process and I must admit that I have not been able to make certain tough decisions, probably because of the conflict of interest associated with those decisions.
I must attribute this "valuable" learning experience to the game of golf. I have heard of people talking about the game as boring, dull, etc., etc., but its just beyond that. The game has taught me to fight against odds, against probability, against myselfand come up as a better person. I know for a fact that everytime I finish my game and walk out of the course I have become mentally stronger.
Being mentally tough is a new aspect of life that I have learnt. As a kid, I was never the "sportsperson" that I always dreamt ofbeing. Winning was always an "off the field" occurence. The taste of success was not something I was familair with. However,the past month has been a period where I have experienced that - winning against myself and opponents- A combination of being mentally tough on the field and tasting success and being consistent. These are aspects that I am learning to apply "off the field" and perceive it to be a combination of "Sourav Ganguly and Steve Jobs".
Despite all the growing up process and becoming mentally tougher, I have realized that there are situations when the heartprevails over the mind or vice-versa (depending upon which is voluntary and involuntary). There is always someone in everybody's life, who has the ability to defy all the laws that govern gravity and other intangible elements. The situation arises when you ask yourself the question - "What would you do then? What will you give up? What can you do tomake things work?" - Unfortunately, in most of the cases, the question is more of a rhetoric and the chain reaction of selfdestruction has already begun. Some people are gifted in their ability to terminate the process at an early stage, some peoplelearn through experience and some people are just unlucky. I would put myself in the category that learns through experience.But sometimes, life throws up a challenge where you land up in a situation you were in 9 years back - presented with the same choices that were before you that very same day, 9 years back. A situation that resulted in life's greatest challengesfrom within oneself, that took 4 years to overcome. What would you do - Run away from it? Face it? In either case, the outcomeis known and the process is just reduntant - "A system based approach" where you are a variable in a second degree algebraic equation that is just trying to balance itself.
Growing up, I like millions of others was taught the basic rules and laws that govern anything and everything under the sun. Hence when an "experienced person" imparts his/her knowledge, the mind was tuned to accept it and learn to live within those rules. Suddenly, when you start to question those very basic laws/rules that govern certain aspects and work beyond them, it opens up a new world - a world of possibilities and choices.
Imagine, imposing yourself as a constant in the same second degree algebraic equation that continues to pose a tough challenge - The possibilities are infinite!
Choice - is an interesting word and looking beyond the choices that one does not understand is something that I have alwaysthought was an impossible task. However, I have realized that "impossibility" is not a choice and hence I can definitely lookbeyond it and thus see beyond the choices I do not understand - Quite a paradox!